Tough night at the Emerald Bowl last night. And not just because Maryland took a thumping. No, the Terps’ loss was only part of the agony of the evening.
The worst of it was having to watch the Emerald Nuts commercials.
Holy Mother of God. These guys have enough money to sponsor a freaking bowl game but don’t have the good sense to do decent commercials? If you look at their web site, they seem like a good, socially responsible organization and God knows they sure are proud of their campaign ("from the 'got milk' ad people" they say), but, I mean, really.
Here’s one: A guy with a Scandinavian accent is standing next to a target urging on whomever is shooting arrows at the target. And (get this, it’s really a scream) one of the arrows hits him in the thigh! But he carries on! Of course, he’s eating Emerald Nuts all the while and a VO tells us that “Encouraging Norwegians love Emerald Nuts.” Get it? Encouraging Norwegians? E-N? Emerald Nuts? Wow.
There’s a whole series of them on their (pretty good) web site. Some tell us that because So-and-So Next Door doesn’t eat Emerald Nuts, around 3 p.m. every day, the "Addicted To Love" video girls (see: Robert Palmer) try to turn him into one of them! Whoa! The "Addicted to Love" video girls! How hip is that? Then there’s the one about “Egomaniacal Normans” (get it?). I could go on, but I just can’t.
These are the guys who bought Super Bowl time to tell us that if you don’t eat Emerald Nuts, at 3 in the afternoon the late Robert Goulet (still alive at the time) will sneak into your office and mess with your stuff.
I’m sorry. These are just jokes in search of a concept. I mean, this sells nuts? You got me. Maybe it does. Personally, I’d never knowingly eat Emerald Nuts just because of the advertising. But I would do this: Whatever Emerald pays their agency for this stuff, we'll do it for 1/2 the fee. And if they don’t like it and it doesn’t work, we’ll give them their money back. "Got Milk" made sense. This makes none.
Of course, the Emerald Bowl was the game played in a baseball stadium with both teams on the same sideline, a goal post that nearly touched the stadium wall and a play clock that stopped working in the fourth quarter.
So that ought to tell you something.